The best 3 parenting strategies for struggling boys and young men
The best 3 parenting strategies for struggling boys and young men
There is a growing mental health crisis happening with young boys and men, and like with most things, early intervention is crucial. I have specialized working with boys and young men along with their families, and I have noticed patterns that work and behaviors that perpetuate disconnection. Here are the top three strategies I find myself encouraging parents to utilize with the boys and young men in their life.
Taking space is the most under-utilized coping skill.
Taking space, taking “5”, taking a breather, going for a walk, etc is when a person starts to become flooded with emotion (or already is) and they leave the situation to self-soothe. Hopefully, the self soothing techniques are healthy and productive like taking a walk, playing with Lego’s, or petting the dog. At times the self soothing may be unhealthy like substance use, scrolling on a phone, playing video games etc. Either way, taking space sooner rather than later is the best option. If a young man does not have the ability to take space, the negative coping skills will almost certainly become the “go-to” behaviors.
This intervention needs to be parent led and parents must be attuned to their children to recognize when it is needed. If you are having repeated conflicts or arguments, you need to initiate taking space earlier. As parents your job is to actually self-soothe when you take space, not ruminate on resentment about your kids' behaviors. Your kid is not going to “get it” one day- as a parent you have to help foster an environment and role model behaviors that allow children to identify and process their emotions. Often young men don’t even know why they are mad or pissed or frustrated, they just know they feel distress and need to self soothe- cue the iphone.
In extreme cases, I have worked with families and the parents were worried to step away themselves, in a way to initiate taking space on their end. This isn’t backing down, it’s intentional parenting (assuming the child will not hurt themselves or someone else). Things are completely out of control in these moments and a more significant intervention is likely needed. Nevertheless, taking space, in the moment, is what a parent can control, when they cannot control their children.
Lastly, I want to mention that I have worked with a lot of single Mom’s who have had their son’s act out aggressively towards them verbally and/or physically. It might start with posturing or taking the phone from their mother’s hands. At its worst I know Mom’s who have had their bedroom door broken down, while they were trying to take space. I want to say that I know you are exhausted and worn out and doing your best to read up on strategies on parenting or mental health. It's tough and super scary and I have personally worked with small children who can become dysregulated and hurt people. If you're going through this I hope you can make time for yourself, because young men like this become all consuming. You may feel guilty for focusing on yourself, but I believe you are choosing to focus on the long game.
2. Less is more
Less is more, less is more, less is more- boys and young men need less options, less words, less parent self-disclosure.
In today’s world, there are so many options it's hard to make a decision. So many young men are not in forward gear, but they are not in reverse either- they are in neutral. They are stuck but unwilling to risk moving forward. Parents often strive to give their kids opportunities, and this can be tremendously beneficial, however now-a-days the number of options is contributing to anxiety and “paralysis through analysis.” An anxious boy or young man unable to self soothe becomes defensive, and therefore needs a directive approach from his parents. A directive approach has a firm yet caring tone, it doesn't highlight your child’s inability, but instead gives them the structure they need in the moment. Many parents do this instinctually at times, and their kids respond positively, because that’s how the parent/child relationship is designed.
Boys and young men need less words spoken to them. They need less words to process, less words to try and interpret, less words to potentially manipulate or hear incorrectly. If your child is struggling or pushing back, I encourage you to try this strategy. The words spoken need to count, the praise given needs to be actually felt by the speaker, the consequences delivered need to be enforceable. Boys and young men get a lot of feedback at school, and it may be warranted, but that contributes to the watering down effect that you will have to deal with at home. Open-ended questions may be useful, talking during a car ride with just you two, or talking while your boy or young man is demonstrating his competency-talking while doing. Bonus points for active listening. If you sense that your boy or young man is getting tired of talking, cut it off before they do. Perhaps say something like “alright get out of here…” so that it puts the ownership of the conversation on them, and seems less like you are craving a conversation.
Parent self-disclosure is nuanced, but less is more is the foundation. Overall, being intentional about what you disclose is crucial. What you intend to communicate is often different from what your kid hears. For example, a parent may say “I drank so much alcohol when I was your age, but we were responsible and always had a designated driver so just call us if you ever need a ride.” Your kid hears “It’s okay if you drink, just don't get in trouble.” The problem here is they have little or no life experience to actually base good judgment upon-they have a different brain from you. They need to know less about your opinions and judgements as well. Your kids know you better than anyone, just like you know your kids the best. The difference is, you have a job and a household to manage, and your kid is sitting back studying you to figure out how to get what they want. This is normal to a degree. Do them a favor, and self disclose less, so they have to figure out life, instead of just figuring out you.
3. Identifying and effectively managing “Challenging Questions”
Learning to identify a “challenging question” coming from your boy or young man is one of the most important skills I teach. Most people know intuitively what a “challenging question” is- “Why do I have to brush my teeth?” “Why are we eating that for dinner again?” This form of boundary pushing is not limited to question format either. I would categorize the statement “I'm not going to school today” as a “challenging question” as well.
For parents, it’s important to understand that challenging questions are a symptom of initial defensiveness and the first steps towards losing one's rationality. The boy or young man in your life, has been anxious about something, cannot soothe that anxiety, and is increasingly becoming escalated. The young man knows the personal hygiene benefits of brushing his teeth and understands the merit of attending school, but something under the surface feels out of control, and that leads him to seek out control by means of simple day-to-day tasks.
Answering the challenging question is fundamentally the wrong approach. Giving a ginuwine answer to a question that is fundamentally not related to what’s really going on will lead to a power struggle, which is basically an argument. Sometime’s more sophisticated or passive aggressive boys and young men will frame this in a way that leads to parents repeatedly explaining themselves, which is essentially a power struggle.
So what do you do? One approach is to dismiss the challenge, but give the young man some attention related to a struggle they may be having. As parents, I would trust your judgement here and call this parental attunement- you know what's going on with your kid. If you get it wrong, this provides a chance for the young man to articulate the actual internal dilemma. This could take practice of course. If the tone of the conversation shifts, after the focus has shifted from the challenge to the person, don't go back to the initial challenging question. A second approach is to redirect the focus of the conversation onto something the young man can do to demonstrate his competency. For example, “Why are we having spaghetti for dinner?” Don't answer, but casual and perhaps say “Hey this jar lid is super tight will you open it?” Walk over to the young man’s space and present him with the opportunity to control something, the spaghetti jar, and hopefully he solves this simple problem. The “essence” of the parent matters in these situations, meaning there has to be a detachment from the pushing of the boundaries, and an openness to present the young man with an opportunity to actually address the issues, or choose to address an unrelated issue (spaghetti jar) trusting he will build momentum to face his struggles.
These strategies are not long term fixes, but they will help you get through a tough moment, while more intensive work is being arranged or happening in the background. Finding a good therapist for boys and young men can be difficult so don't dismiss the importance of a solid coach, clergy, or other role model. It's a hard time to be a young man and they need our support.
Ted R Bost, III LCPC
4/21/25
Ted is the owner/therapist of Shoulder Season Counseling LLC and practices in Idaho and Utah. If you have questions you can reach out at shoulderseasoncounseling.com
